A Revelation

Hey guys !

So today I want to share something with you all that a lot of people do not know about me – at least not anybody that is not a part of my immediate family. For a long time – since I was around 16 – I have had an issue with alcohol. I had always liked a drink, but when I was 17 I became involved in a relationship where I was physically abused; strangled, stabbed; you name it, I lived it. My drinking slowly started to spiral from that point.

Don’t get me wrong I was never the sort of alcoholic that people imagine when that term is used. I didn’t sit on a park bench knocking back cheap cider, nor did I steal to fund my habit or hide the fact that I drank from other people. The issue, however, was still very much there.

Alcohol; for the longest time had been my crutch – my escape from the world when everything was getting too tough or when I just didn’t want to deal with all the stresses that life inevitably throws at you. It was my way of dealing with pain and dealing with my problems without actually ever having to deal with anything.

It had gotten so bad at times that I have been hospitalised twice with a condition called pancreatitis; both of these times I was told by doctors that I was drastically limiting my own life my own life by choosing to continue drinking. The second time I was admitted into hospital with pancreatitis in fact, I was told that I would not see the end of the year if I continued to let alcohol play such a large role in my life. None of this ever deterred my will to drink for some reason.

It’s important that I mention here that I was what is described as a binge drinker – I didn’t drink everyday for years – instead I would have periods of different lengths of time (sometimes a week; sometimes six weeks), where I would drink a large amount of alcohol from morning til night. I was the party guy – the guy who was always drinking but everybody just brushed it off as “he’s just enjoying himself.” After a binge like this I would then stay sober for a few weeks before rinsing and repeating the whole process again.

I’m sure you’re asking, why is this story being featured in a beauty and fashion blog – it has no correlation.

It kind of does in a way though!

When I would be drinking, my normal, vain, self-confident, self loving personality would disappear out of the window. Sometimes I would sit in a room drinking for days on end with no contact from the outside world, not even a text or phone call to my family.

It is no secret that alcohol and cigarettes affect your looks drastically – from losing hydration in your skin making it look more dull, from causing premature aging in general. Of course, when I would be drinking, my efforts towards looking good would also diminish; a lot of times I wouldn’t even have a shave for weeks. The one part of my life that I had learnt to always fall back on and rely on wasn’t enhancing my personality or my life, it was actually dictating it. I had became so reliant on alcohol to have a good time that I completely forgot the person I had been before I was introduced to my “friend.”

Ha!

Alcohol had never been my friend. It had been a dark side of myself – almost like another person I kept locked away – that I had used as an excuse to not confront my own inner demons.

I have insecurities. I have body issues. I do feel that the world let me down in many ways and I think I just became angry at not only the world, but also myself, and everybody in it.

The story has a happy ending though – maybe ultimately I’m one of the lucky ones. My sister had a child – my niece – who has shocked me back to life. My darling little baby that makes me think twice now before reaching for a bottle to solve my problems. I can’t live that selfish side of myself anymore.

It’s funny actually, that everybody says to me “she needs her uncle,” and maybe she does or will one day in the future and I WILL be there for her. Sober.

But the truth is; I needed her. I needed a reason to remember that person I had once been – before I became angry with the world, and she was that reason. A beautiful bundle of innocence, who reminds me with every passing day that there is a beauty in this world that cannot be found in a bottle. I haven’t drank for a while now, but if I do it’s ok – it’s nothing like I used to. It will be a battle I will always live with…. Today I’m a stronger person than I ever thought I could be.

So I now go against everything I have discussed so far in my previous blog posts and wish to tell you; If you want to see beauty – don’t look in the pages of Vogue or on the catwalks of Milan and Paris. If you want to see strength, don’t look to world leaders or politicians. Everybody has their own strength and beauty inside of them – it’s just learning how to rediscover it that counts.

But believe me; when you do find it, you’ll outshine everyone!

Thanks for reading x